


Aftershocks

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, he doesn't talk about it, just implies that it happened, not descriptive about the rape/non-con element, sorta PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-15 15:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is finally able to find Cas, where he's been kept in a torture house, masquerading as an old warehouse . Cas is shaken to the point of panic and nightmares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Cas? Shit- Cas- hey, are you ok? Are you hurt?" Dean asked frantically. Cas whined louder and tried to slide further back into the corner.  
"Cas, its me, can you hear me?" Dean asked. Cas kept quiet and tried to wrap himself completely with his coat, like it would somehow hide him.  
"Hey, we gotta go, we gotta get outta here before more angels show up." Dean said quickly. Cas heard the word 'angels' and became panicked, whining and shaking and swinging his head around to look for them.  
"Cas, come on, we gotta go!" Dean urged, trying to pull his hand so he would stand up. Cas screamed and backed up, cowering in the corner and starting to cry. The sight was enough to scare Dean, and he decided he only had two options; leave him or drag him along kicking and screaming.  
"Cas, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but we gotta move." Dean said, before grabbing his wrists and pining them against the wall. Cas fought back but Dean managed to get his arms behind his back and grab his from behind. He shoved him and pulled him and made it to the hall before Cas got lose. He stood in the doorway, but didn't go in or out of his torture room. The bloody chair in the center made Cas suck in a breath and back up. Only now did he seem to realize that room meant bad things. He tried to run but Dean grabbed him and he started to scream.  
"Cas, look at me. Look at my eyes Cas. It's me, it's Dean, just stop fighting!" Dean yelled. Cas became still and looked at him, then turned pale. He gave a tiny nod of recognition before his eyes rolled back and he fell forward. Dean barely managed to catch him. When he finally got him in a standing position again he grabbed him and lifted him bridal style. He could barely walk but he managed to get to the main door where Sam had just stabbed another angel.  
"Where the hell have you been?!- Shit, is Cas ok?" Sam asked.  
"I don't know- he doesn't look good- I mean, he was freaking out, he didn't recognize me at first... I don't know." Dean said, huffing and walking towards the impala. Sam opened the door for him and Dean half pushed, half threw Cas into the back. He slid in beside him and Sam got in the drivers seat.  
"Get us back to the bunker, I'm gonna check him for any wounds." Dean said quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean found multiple wounds, and other things, by the time they got back to the bunker. His wrist was purple, which Dean hoped he hadn't done, and his head was bleeding, right on his temple. His chest had a long cut across it, and his back had two more just like it. He had bruises all along his sides, stomach, and legs. He was starting to sweat, and Dean had to dab his forehead was a wet cloth to keep him cool. His clothes were probably the worst. They were covered in dried blood, sweat, pee, and probably puke. They hadn't let Cas out of the chair for anything it seemed. The only time he was allowed out was when they wanted to beat him at his back too. Dean had stripped him and shut his eyes when he changed his underwear. He would need a bath, and clothes, but it was a start. He was however, still worried when Cas didn't stop sweating, even though he was only wearing underwear.  
"Why is he so hot? It's not hot in here, he shouldn't be hot." Dean said quickly.  
"Dean, calm down, he's been in there for two weeks and he's human. He's probably... Dehydrated? If they only gave him enough to keep him alive them I'm sure that's why he passed out. That or shock." Sam guessed.  
"Right... Yeah, then he needs to wake up." Dean said, trying to calm himself down. Right on queue, a sound from the bed alerted them. He opened his eyes and instantly was scrambling back as far as he could get from both of them. He looked even more pale then before and Dean stepped forward to try to calm him. Cas succeeded in making a small whimpering noise and nearly falling off the bed.  
"Cas, stop!" Dean yelled, making Cas jump and curl into himself tighter. Dean took a step towards him and Cas hid his face like he was waiting for a blow.  
"Cas?" Sam said quietly, making him jump again, although he didn't move.  
"Its us, you're ok now, just look up. Come on, does anything hurt?" Dean asked quietly. After a minute Cas lifted his head and his eyes met Deans. He seemed almost in shock for a few seconds before he started nodding, followed by a whimpering noise. He started to shake but no tears came out. Dean moved closer and this time Cas grabbed onto Dean as soon as he was close enough. Dean looked up to see an equally bewildered Sam staring at him.  
"Sammy, go get him some water, he's gonna need it." Dean said quietly. Sam nodded and Dean took off his boots awkwardly, while Cas basically laid in his lap and hugged his waist. Once he had his boots off, he slid up into the bed and pulled Cas up closer. Cas pulled back at the forceful contact and Dean lifted his hands so he wasn't touching him.  
"I'm sorry- I didn't mean to do anything... You're ok now Cas... Just let me help you..." Dean said quietly. Cas seemed too in shock to really understand his words, but he recognized him, so he leaned closer until he was pressed completely against him from head to toe. Dean put his arm around him and Cas reached out and grabbed his hand to hold on his waist. When Sam came back, Cas jumped and made a choked sound, then held on tighter to Dean. When Cas recognized Sam and relaxed against Dean again, Sam scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, before giving him bitch-face #82; which clearly said he didn't have time for that shit.  
"H-He did it, not me!" Dean hissed, managing to startle Cas again.  
"No- just relax- it's fine... It's ok if you need to do that right now." Dean assured him. Cas laid back down and Dean reached out to grab the cup from Sam.  
"Drink this, it'll help you get your voice back." Dean said, helping him sit up and handing him the glass. Cas took it and eagerly downed the whole cup before looking to Dean for help.  
"Hey, if you want me to stay here, then ask Sam." Dean said softly, giving him a small smile. Cas seemed shaken by that, and he slid away from Dean, dropping the empty cup beside his knee.  
"Dean... Smile again..." Sam said quietly. Deans eyebrows scrunched in confusion, but he smiled anyway, and Cas' eyes widened.  
"Damn it... Dean this... Cult or whatever, that the angels made... It was screwed up, but... Fuck, he's afraid of your smile... They probably enjoyed torturing him, and he recognizes that." Sam said, sighing and rubbing his face with his hand.  
"Well that's just fabulous... But why is he reacting like an abused animal would? Why isn't he fighting back, or at least trying harder to get away?" Dean asked angrily.  
"Because... He's in shock... He's still not in his right mind yet. It's like that time with the clown when I was... What, seven? I didn't talk or go outside the motel bedroom for three days. He's been tortured and it may take him a few days to get back to himself." Sam explained.  
"Well, then he have to start somewhere right? In bringing him back? Not being afraid of us is the first step. Why don't you take him to the bathtub and let him sit down and watch you. I'll go get him something to eat that won't make him sick." Dean said. Sam nodded and Dean started to stand up, making Cas tense up and try to say something, but he couldn't find the words.  
"It's ok, it's just Sam, he's gonna help you feel a little better, ok? And I'll be right back." Dean said quietly. Cas seemed to accept his answer and stood up shakily, but he wouldn't let Sam touch him as he lead him to the bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dean? Little help?!" Sam yelled. Dean went from a walk to a sprint through the hall and into his bedroom. He could see Cas huddled in the corner and Sam trying to get him to calm down but it wasn't working.  
"What happened?" Dean asked, putting the bowl of rice and chicken broth on the counter.  
"I explained what I was doing, I told him to sit down on the toilet lid, which he did, but then I turned on the water and he freaked out! He was fine one minute and the next he was in the corner shaking. I tried to talk him out of it but he started crying." Sam explained. Dean looked over and sure enough Cas was in tears, and his hands were trembling. His knees were bouncing even though he was trying to wrap his arms around them.  
"Cas, talk to me, what's going on? What are you thinking about?" Dean asked, crouching down next to him. Cas lifted his head and tried to speak but his hands started to shake harder, and no noise came out. He lifted his hands to the sides of his head, like he might cover his ears, but instead he ducked his head into his bouncing knees and his hands shook on top of his head.  
"Cas, you want the water off?" Sam asked. Cas didn't respond, so Sam reached over and turned it off anyway, making Cas lift his head. He saw Sam and guilt swept over his face before he started to cry and looked away.  
"Cas, hey, it's ok... We can figure something else out, ok?" Sam said quietly, crouching down next to him. Cas looked towards him and in an instant he was hugging Sam, making Sam wobble and fall backwards to land in a sitting position, with Cas in his lap, hugging him and crying into his shoulder. Dean couldn't help the little spark of envy that went through him. Sure, Cas didn't belong to him, but seeing his in Sams arms, with Sam hugging him back and trying to soothe him, it made him feel awful.  
"I'm going out here, just come get me when he's ready to eat." Dean mumbled. As he started to walk away though, Cas made a choked noise and launched off of Sam, managing to catch Deans ankle, and almost making him fall.  
"You wan't me to stay?" Dean asked. Cas seemed to think about it for a minute before finally nodding, which was by far the most intelligent response they had gotten so far other then him opening and closing his mouth like he _might ___talk.  
"Ok... Will you get in the water?" Dean asked, turning and crouching down next to him again. He shook his head violently, looking like he may cry again, and started to back up.  
"No no no, its ok, you don't have to... Come on, lets get you back to the bed so I can try to clean those cuts with a cloth then." Dean said. Cas swallowed nervously, but nodded anyway, and followed him to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating at such random times, I'm technically grounded and not suppose to be on the computer, so I have to wait for the right window of time to get on when my brother is playing video games or asleep, my mom is at work or asleep, and my dad is at work; but he works late so I have until like 2 am once my mom is out, but I can't stay up late enough to wait until _he's ___asleep, I'd crash. But anyway, I'll update... Tomorrow... Night? Ish? Maybe? Or it might be in two days in the afternoon? or maybe not at all until Friday? I'll see what happens and just go with it.


	4. Chapter 4

After eating, Dean went to work bandaging the cuts and getting ice for Cas' wrist, which he had started to cradle in his hand. When he came back in the room, Sam stood up and nodded his encouragement to Cas, before walking out of the room once more.  
"Cas, you cold?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head, but his whole body continued to tremble.  
"I'm gonna have to touch you, alright? Just stay still and it won't hurt so bad, ok? It doesn't need stitches, just a cleaning and a bandage." Dean explained. Cas swallowed nervously and looked at Dean, then back at the box in his hand. Dean waited until Cas nodded to move and open the box. He got out everything he would need, then dipped the washcloth he had laid out before in a cup of water. He started by trying to get behind Cas, but Cas backed up into the pillow.  
"Hey, I need to see your back... It's just me, down get scared. Here, look at my hand." Dean said. Cas took his wrist and pulled it closer to his face, examining his hand. He would recognize Deans hands anywhere. He rebuilt him cell by cell when he raised him. Now everything from down in hell plagued his mind, but remembering it was Dean he had held on to helped. He was confused earlier, but now these hands were truly here, and he was sure the presence behind him was Dean. He just knew. It still didn't help when Dean pressed the first cotton ball of hydrogen peroxide to the cut. He hissed and tried to lean away, and he felt himself shaking and things started to feel fuzzy. Then Dean was right in front of him, trying to talk to him. He recognized the words "calm" and "ok", but it sounded distant. Then there was pressure, right on the bruise on his wrist, and it hurt. He looked down, and Dean had grabbed it accidentally, and he yanked his wrist away even though he knew Dean didn't mean to. As Dean backed up and pulled something else from the box that was on the bed, Cas felt his hands start to shake. It was like everything was becoming blissfully light feeling, and every movement was easier, but everything hurt more, and his head was beginning to spin, and he felt sick. Dean shoved the bag at his face, and at first he tried to push him off, but when Dean finally managed to get the bag over his mouth, he realized it was inflating and deflating. It shouldn't do that, he knew, but then everything seemed to stop spinning and he accepted that whatever was in the bag, it was helping. He felt his eyes shut on their own and he could hear DEan calling him but it all sounded distant, and he felt too tired. He slowly relaxed and let sleep take him.


	5. Chapter 5

"Damn it Sam! I can't do this! He already passed out once from breathing too quickly, and I can't make it stop! I mean- what if he hurts himself?! I can't help him, and I can't stop him, so what the hell am I suppose to do?!" Dean hissed. Cas could hear them in the hall as he opened his eyes, but didn't say anything.  
"Well first of all, calm down! Second, you just... Just be there. He's traumatized, and you can't just force him to be ok. Look, what I've learned from having that friend in college is... Don't ask about it, and don't push it. When he talks, don't make a big deal of it, just have a conversation. Ask him if he wants to play chess or something. And when he's not in the best state of mind... Just sit with him. Don't go for contact unless he does first, and if he keeps looking at you, then offer to touch his shoulder or something before you do it. That way it doesn't surprise him. The most important thing is... Don't make a big deal of it... Don't laugh if he does something stupid, don't congratulate him when he calms down, let him tell you when it's over because sometimes the aftershock of it can last hours. Just tell him he's safe and it'll be ok. That's all you can do." Sam said sympathetically. Dean sighed and rubbed his face before looking away.  
"Why can't you do all this, you're better at mushy feelings and stuff..." Dean grumbled.  
"Because you and me both know you and him have a... "Profound bond" or whatever." Sam grinned.  
"I... Shuttup! He said that- not me..." Dean said, blushing and looking away.  
"Like you don't appreciate it! What, should I call it a profound stupidity?" Sam smirked. There was bitch-face #24 making an appearance.  
"You... shut up..." Dean said quietly, looking down as he opened the bedroom door more then it had been and stepped in. He looked up to see Cas staring at him.  
"H-How long have you been awake?" Dean stammered. Cas didn't answer, just stared and tried to find the meaning behind Sams words.  
"R-Right..." Dean stuttered, looking away and turning bright red. Behind him Sam choked on laughter and walked off, almost giggling.  
"Shut up Sam!" Dean yelled down the hall, making Cas smile a tiny smile. He liked when Dean looked like that. Mad, but not really. More embarrassed and teasing towards his brother then actually upset.  
"Hey, there's that smile..." Dean said, looking up and seeing Cas' face. When Dean said that he nodded just a little.  
"One step at a time ok? This is good. This means you're feeling better. You just needed to relieve some tension, right?" Dean said, walking over to sit on the bed. He noticed Dean had changed clothes since he had been awake last. He was wearing an old t-shirt and sweat pants now. Cas looked down and he still wasn't wearing anything, but there were bandages on his chest and a brace on his wrist.  
"Yeah... You were having a panic attack... You started breathing too quickly and I tried the bag trick- and it seemed to work to, but then... You were too far gone already I guess, and you passed out. It did make it easier to clean those cuts though." Dean joked. Cas nodded and looked away. He hadn't meant to do that. He meant to let Dean clean the cuts and then lay down. Now he just felt guilty, and he felt a tightening in his chest at the thought of what happened earlier happening again. Dean noticed and frowned, then slid back further on the bed and laid next to him.  
"Don't feel bad Cas, it could have happened to any of us." Dean said quietly.  
"What about you?" Cas asked, so quietly that it was almost a whisper. His throat hurt and his mouth felt dry suddenly, like he hadn't spoken in months. His voice sounded rough and deeper then usual, even when it was quiet. Then again, he had screamed a lot recently. Upon hearing his voice though, Deans eyes lit up. He looked like he wanted to smile, but he only let himself give a tiny grin, and an amazed look. Cas looked away. He knew he sounded awful, and Dean shouldn't be happy about hearing it.  
"Hey- no no no, look at me, hey..." Dean said, putting a hand out and almost touching Cas' face, but stopping. Cas had tensed and was looking at his hand. Gently Dean drew back and instead slid closer and turned on his side completely to look at him.  
"Hey... Look at me..." Dean said quietly. Cas looked up and found Dean much closer then expected.  
"It... It has happened... I was eight... I never told anyone... I was terrified it would happen again, but it never really did... I got over the fear of it, and a few months later, just when I think I'm fine, I feel dizzy and cold and everything feels small... It was like all the air was sucked outta the room and I... I looked a lot like you actually... Shaking and breathing to quickly... I passed out, and when my dad found me I said I got knocked out by the ghost... It's happened seven times since then... I know it sucks, ok? But what I've learned from it is that you can't think of it as being your fault that it happens... That'll only make you feel worse... And besides, i-it's not your fault... It truly isn't... And on a side note... Sam says not to make a big deal of it when you show signs of getting better but... I'm really glad to hear your voice again..." Dean admitted. Cas felt like he was holding his breath and then all of a sudden the dam broke. His face was flooded with tears and he was hugging Dean as tightly as he could. Dean stayed still for a minute before moving to push his legs under the covers and pulling them up over them both. He wrapped his arms around Cas and rubbed his back, being careful not to touch the bandages. Only when Cas ran out of tears did he let himself fall asleep with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad so many of you are enjoying this! I never thought so many people would read this, at least not this quickly. I'm honestly only writing from my perspective, and what I think the perspectives of people around me are. I know how it feels to be panicked and not really sure why or how to control it, and it's terrifying and weirdly peaceful at the same time. I would compare it to a nightmare where you can't wake up, but you know its not real. I also know that sometimes if someone tries to touch me after or during an attack, it feels really uncomfortable, or scary, even though I know they're really worried and just trying to help. This chapter I hope showed that for those people, it can be really scary too. They feel like they have to help, and they can't. It's like being trapped behind a glass door and watching your best friend bleed, while you're holding the bandages, but you just can't get to them. You keep beating that glass, but if it shatters, it might just cut them more.


	6. Chapter 6

When Sam woke up, it was to the sound of whimpering. He got out of bed and walked to the door next to his bedroom door, and peeked inside. He had brought Dean a burger earlier, and Cas had been asleep, but he wasn't surprised when he was still asleep. He had probably missed a lot of sleep when he was taken. He was surprised however to see Dean wrapped around Cas like an octopus. Every limb was on Cas, and Cas was curled up against Deans chest whimpering. He didn't want to intrude, but he knew something wasn't right. He would recognize a sex dream, and Cas definitely wasn't having that. No, those were pained noises. That was the noise of someone who was afraid. He was just about to step in when Cas started flailing and hit Dean in the nose. Dean was awake in seconds and had pulled a gun from under his pillow. When he saw it was him, he put the gun down on the nightstand and tried to shake him.  
"Dean, is he ok?" Sam asked quietly.  
"I'm sure it's just nightmares, he'll be fine. I'll call you if I need help." Dean assured him. Sam nodded and stumbled back to his room. He was too tired to think about it now. Once he was gone, Dean turned his attention back to Cas, and tried again to wake him.  
"Cas, wake up, its just a dream." Dean said quietly. Still he got louder and tried to smack the air. He whined louder and slowly that morphed into crying. Dean was worried for his wrist, the way he was smacking it at things, and he turned the lights on, and when he did Cas stilled. He looked down at him and his eyes were open, and he was starting to breath faster. His hands started to shake and had started to cry.  
"Cas, hey, look at me, its ok, everything is ok, it was a dream." Dean assured it. But that's what Cas was worried about. What if this wasn't real? What if this was the dream, and he was still in that building?  
"Cas, focus on my voice ok? It's ok, you're gonna be fine, hey, can I touch you?" Dean asked. Cas tried his best to nod, although he might have just spun his head around in a circle because he was getting dizzy. Dean had reached over the side of the bed now and sat back up with the paper bag from before. He handed it to Cas and helped him hold it over his mouth with shaky hands. When it started to slip, Dean put his hands over Cas' completely, and after a few minutes, Cas' breathing had returned to relatively normal.  
"It was just a dream ok? You're safe... I promise... And you know I don't promise things very often, because with this kinda life you never know if you can keep promises... So trust me on this one... Nothing is gonna happen to you if I'm here, ok?" Dean said quietly. Cas nodded and started to lay back down, but when he tried to swallow he realized his mouth was dry and he sat back up.  
"Water..." Cas croaked.  
"Water? Is something wrong?" Dean asked quickly.  
"No, thirsty." Cas managed, before breaking out in a dry cough.  
"Ok, you want me to go get it or you wanna come with me?" Dean asked. Cas looked around the room and shook his head. He was staying with Dean.  
"Ok, come on then." Dean said quietly. As they walked down the hall, the floor creaked, and Cas grabbed onto Deans arm with his good hand. Dean noticed and stopped, and looked over at him.  
"You ok?" Dean asked. Cas nodded and let go of his arm, and they kept walking. When they got into the kitchen, Dean turned his back to Cas to fill a cup with water. When Cas saw a figure in the doorway to the kitchen, he screamed and fell backwards, causing Dean to panic and spin around. Dean could recognize Kevins form, but Cas didn't seem to, and he had crawled backwards to the nearest corner. He was breathing faster and starting to shake.  
"Cas, Cas! Hey! Look at me- it's ok- it's Kevin- it's just Kevin! Look, look closer!" Dean encouraged. Cas looked up and after squinting he realized it was Kevin, but his eyes were barely open.  
"Poor kid, barely gets any sleep anyway, and now he's sleepwalking too. It's happened a few times, I just take him back to bed and he's ok. It's ok Cas, he's not dangerous. Come on, stand up and we can take him back to bed." Dean said quietly. Cas nodded and stood up shakily, but grabbed onto Deans hand as soon as he was standing. Dean didn't protest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, next chapter to come tomorrow... Night? Hopefully at least.


	7. Chapter 7

"Dean, what are you doing? It's three in the morning. We never have this much time to sleep, and now you're wasting it?" Sam said quietly. He could see Dean in the dark bathroom starting to run a tub of water, even though Cas seemed to be aleep.  
"It's not for me." Dean said simply.  
"He's asleep..." Sam said in confusion.  
"Look closer." Dean said, annoyance in his tone. Sam got closer and squinted in the darkness to see that Cas was indeed awake, and although he was completely still, his eyes were wide open.  
"He can't fall asleep without waking up five minutes later from nightmares. Every time he just get panicked and confused, and that hour of sleep he had before I ate was probably the most he's had without waking up! Look... I'm tired, he's tired, I thought getting him in the bath might make him tired enough to stay asleep. And plus... he needs it." Dean whispered the last part, and wrinkled his nose to make his point. Sam just sighed and started to walk out.  
"Call for me if you need me." Sam said from the hall. Dean sighed and looked at the lump in his bed, before shutting the bedroom door and stuffing a wad of old shirts under the door. If Cas did freak out, then Sam didn't have to hear and lose his sleep.  
"Cas, it's ready, do you want to get in?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head violently.  
"Hey, you trust me don't you?" Dean asked. Cas nodded before he was done asking.  
"But you don't trust me and the water put together?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head slowly.  
"Why not? I mean, do you think I'm possessed or something?" Dean asked. Cas turned on his other side to face Dean and met his eyes, but had to look away as he nodded.  
"Well... I-I'm not." Dean grinned. That wasn't like Dean.  
"Christō..." Cas whispered, and Deans eyes shot to black.  
"Oh... I really wished you hadn't done that, bitch." Dean sneered, pulling a knife from his pocket and going to make a move at Cas. He screamed and his throat felt like sandpaper, but his wrist hurt most of all as he was pinned up against the wall by a blow of force that came from nowhere. Just as Dean was pressing the blade to his throat, he felt his eyes open, even though he didn't remember shutting them.


	8. Chapter 8

"Cas! Stop it- no! Just put it down! Please!" Dean yelled. He looked at his hands and realized he was holding a knife. Dean and Sam were both at the other side of the room with their hands up in surrender. Cas stopped and looked closer at his hand. The same one that had the bruises and bandages on it, had now been cut open by the blade. The bandage was cut and his palm was bleeding slightly. It was like he only realized when he saw it how much it hurt, and he dropped the knife. Still, when Dean tried to rush over to him, he backed up. He felt dizzy and stumbled, and Sam tried to come near him and he backed up until his back hit the wall.  
"Cas... It's us... You had a nightmare again, and I was in the bathroom. When I came back out, you were sitting up and shaking- I tried to say something and you just went nuts... You grabbed the knife from inside my nightstand, do you remember?" Dean asked quietly. Cas shook his head.  
"I ran in and saw you pointing the knife at Dean like a sword... You're hands were shaking and you dropped it, and he tried to grab it and... You grabbed the blade to get it away from him... He let go when you did, but you just..." Sam stopped, looking away and moving his eyes to Dean. Cas only noticed now, that Dean had a long cut across his arm, and it was bleeding to the point of dripping. Cas' jaw dropped but he couldn't think of anything to say. He slid his back down the wall and shook as tears flooded from his eyes. He cradled his arm against his chest and tried to keep them back with his feet, but Dean was wrapping his good arm around Cas anyway.  
"S-Stop-" Cas choked out. Sam looked up in surprise but didn't stop as he collected every large weapon from the nightstand and the walls of Deans room.  
"Cas- it's ok- just listen to me alright? You're gonna be fine- here- let me see your hand-" Dean tried.  
"No!" Cas yelled, trying to push him away. Dean backed up a little but didn't stand up. He stayed right next to Cas.  
"Why not?" he asked quietly.  
"H-Hurt you..." Cas whimpered, choking as his throat closed and he felt more tears fall.  
"No, hey- no no no, look at me- I'm ok, I know you didn't mean to ok? Y-You were sleep walking- or you woke up and blacked out! I know you didn't mean to!" Dean insisted, trying to get near him again.  
"C-Christō..." Cas cried, trying desperately to see if his eyes were dark even through the tears.  
"Cas..." Dean said is a whisper. He turned quickly and stood up, pulling the chain on the lamp that was on his nightstand, and crouching back down beside Cas.  
"Say it again... Come on, say it again..." Dean prompted. Cas tried to but his throat felt tight and he looked away.  
"Say it again!" Dean demanded.  
"Christō!" Cas yelled, sobbing and gasping for breath. Even with the blurriness of his tears covering his eyes, thanks to the light, he could see that Deans eyes stayed the same shade of green they always were when he was relieved or just plain happy.  
"There... See? Cas... It's just me... Everything is gonna be ok..." Dean said quietly. Cas finally let go of the fear that clung to him from the dream, and flung himself forward, but regretted it instantly. He had misjudged the distance, and on impulse he used his hands to stop himself from hitting the floor in front of Dean. He landed with weigh on his bad wrist and shrieked as he fell backwards.  
"Cas- just stay still ok? Just don't move anymore. I'll help you ok? Just stay there." Dean said quickly, standing and running out of the room. Sam had already left to hide Deans weapons somewhere in case Cas blacked out again. Cas didn't like being alone though. What if angels found him? What if demons found him? He couldn't defend himself like this. He started trying to move, standing up and running towards the door, but he got dizzy again, and he stumbled. He tripped and hit the door frame, just as Dean came back with the box of medical supplies.  
"Dammit Cas..." Dean said sadly, throwing the box on the bed and helping Cas up off the floor delicately.  
"Come on, it's ok, just let it out..." Dean said quietly, wrapping his arms around Cas as he sobbed against him.


	9. Chapter 9

After Cas calmed down, and Dean thanked Sam for the help, he shut the bedroom door and sat down on the bed.  
"Let me see that hand." Dean said carefully. At first Cas refused, but then he stuck it out slowly when Dean moved his arm towards Cas.  
"How about you clean up this, and I'll fix your hand, ok?" Dean said quietly.  
"I hurt you..." Cas said suddenly, looking away. Dean looked up from his hand to look at Cas.  
"Hey, no, don't think about it like that, alright? It... It was my fault for getting in the way... I shouldn't have even tried to get it away from you... I knew from that look in your eyes that it wasn't really... You... But I just had to grab at it anyway... I mean, fuck, you wouldn't be hurt if I hadn't tried to get it." Dean said sadly. Cas looked up and took Deans hand in his own good one. His throat hurt and he didn't feel like talking, so he waited until Dean looked up at him and he shook his head.  
"Cas don't... Don't be the hero here, I'm suppose to do that..." Dean joked, although it was evident that no real humor was put behind it as he looked away.  
"Dean..." Cas said sadly, rubbing his neck with his hand as he spoke.  
"Don't talk ok? I'll get you some water and be right back, then we get get cleaned up. You need clothes anyway, you're gonna get cold wearing nothing but underwear." Dean said, standing up and starting to leave the room.  
"Dean-" Cas tried, but he broke off into a cough. Dean rushed back over and patted his back, waiting for him to stop so he could speak.  
"Take it easy... What is it?" Dean asked, continuing to rubbing his back even though he had stopped coughing.  
"T-Thank..." Cas got out, but he couldn't finish wit the "you." part, because then he coughed again.  
"I know... And... You're welcome, but you don't need to thank me... I mean I'd like to think you would do the same for me, right?" Dean asked, a spark of hope in his eyes as he looked up, even though Cas knew he was trying to hide it. He nodded quickly, and tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace as his throat burned.  
"I-I'll be right back." Dean said, walking out the door. Cas nodded and as soon as he was gone he stood up. He looked around and saw a pile of clothes in the corner, and he walked over to them. None of them had blood on them, so he assumed they were clean. He pulled a pair of sweat pants out of the pile and pulled them on, then did the same with an old gray t-shirt. By the time he was sitting on the bed again, Dean was back, and did a double-take when he saw Cas.  
"Did you put on my clothes?" Dean asked. Cas nodded sheepishly, and he thought he might be in trouble, until Dean blushed and looked away. He silently thanked the lamp for being on, so he could see this Dean, and store it in his memories. He liked this Dean a lot more then the angry one.  
"O-Ok..." Dean said awkwardly. Dean handed his the water and seemed to remember something as he did.  
"Your wrist, is it ok? I mean, did you have any trouble getting the shirt on?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head and took another gulp of the water before trying to speak.  
"Very... Careful..." Cas said, rubbing his throat.  
"Ok, Well, I'll wrap it back up, and then I can get you some ice for it." Dean said.  
"What about... Your arm?" Cas struggled, trying not to frown at how it hurt to speak.  
"Take it easy. I honestly almost forgot about it. I'll fix it later, its not that bad. Just a cut, nothing deep. It'll be gone in a week at most." Dean said. Cas nodded and they worked in silence for the next few minutes, Dean dabbing his hand with a rag and slowly bandaging it, while Cas took the time to just watch Dean. He liked watching him lately. Not spying on him, but just watching him. Watching him eat or read, and seeing the way his eyebrows scrunched up a little every few sentences and seeing the way he would smirk at certain phrases in a movie that no one else found funny.  
"All done." Dean said, breaking Cas from his thoughts. Cas nodded in thanks and watched as Dean dipped the dry end of the cloth in the sink. He got it wet and rubbed it over his arm, but he rubbed too hard, and it opened up again. Cas stood up and walked over, taking the rag from him and looking up at him to make sure it was ok.  
"G-Go ahead." Dean stuttered, clearing his throat and looking away for a minute. Cas held the small cloth tighter and rubbed gently over the blood, wetting it every few strokes to rinse out the red color and get more fresh water on it. Dean watched every move, and when he was completely done and looked up, they were much closer then he thought they would be. Suddenly time seemed to freeze and Cas felt the breath being sucked out of him. When did Deans face get so close? Then there were lips on his and he felt warmth flood his whole body, and it was like everything felt lighter. Before he could figure out what was happening, there were frantic hands on his face, and they were too tight, and suddenly it felt too warm, and he felt stuck. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he was back in that horrible room where they grabbed his just like this, and he pushed away. He saw Dean looked horrified at first, then happy, then panicked.  
"I-I'm sorry..." Dean whispered. Cas nodded and scratched both sides of his face and his shoulder uncomfortably. It had been amazing, but then it was too much, and it was like he could still feel the static buzz around him, touching him, on his lips and face and neck, spreading through to his shoulders and stomach and legs and feet.  
"I-I shouldn't have done that... Damn it..." Dean said quietly, seeming to talk to himself.  
"I should get you a different room-" Dean started to say.  
"No!" Cas said quickly. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted Dean with him, especially after what had just happened.  
"Y-You want... I mean... It's ok... If I stay?" Dean said slowly. His face was red and he looked uncomfortable.  
"It's your... Room..." Cas said, swallowing against how rough his voice felt.  
"R-Right... But... It's ok... If you... W-Want to... Stay?" Dean asked awkwardly.  
"Yes." Cas said instantly.  
"O-Ok..." Dean said quietly, turning off the bathroom light and following him into the bedroom. When Dean laid down, Cas started to get closer to him, but he turned away. All of a sudden he felt too cold. He slid closer anyway and pressed against Deans back. That was a little better. He turned on his side and out his bad hand over Deans side, and his good hand under his pillow. A lot better. Dean hesitantly took Cas' bad hand in his own and brought it closer. Perfect. Cas did have more nightmares that night, but every time he woke up, it wasn't as bad, because Dean was already holding him when his eyes flew open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should say here that I know this seems like an ending, but it isn't. There's going to be at least two more chapters. :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I literally thought of three ways to go with this chapter:  
> What was that sound in the bathroom?  
> a. muffled "noises" wink wink nudge nudge  
> b. crying  
> c. singing in the shower  
> I went with the singing because I felt like Cas is still too fragile right now to do _that, ___and the crying isn't something Dean would do. He would stuff his emotions inside and let them destroy him slowly as they became anger.  
>  Might want to listen to Angeles (SUNG BY JENSEN FREAKIN ACKLES AW YEAH) before reading this bit.

When Cas woke up after a full hour without nightmares, he was confused. Why was he awake? He was still tired. There- that noise- that's what woke him up. He turned over in bed to see what it was, and he saw that the bathroom door was shut. There was running water, but there was more then that. It was muffled, but it was clear enough that he could tell what it was. Singing. Someone was singing. Suddenly the windowless room felt too cold and too small and too much like that horrible place he had been in before. He got up and ran over to the bathroom door. He opened it slowly and He heard Dean stop.  
"Cas?" Dean said quickly. Cas knew he couldn't pretend not to be there, and he knew if he didn't say something Dean might throw a punch at him through the curtain.  
"Yes..." Cas said quietly.  
"What are you doing in here?!" Dean said frantically, pulling the towel from the curtain rod and presumably covering himself up.  
"Lonely... In there..." Cas said, his throat itching and making him cough.  
"Oh... Ok... Well... Just don't open the curtain..." Dean said awkwardly.  
"Alright..." Cas said, turning on the water in the sing and bending over to drink from it. He heard Dean squeal and he turned around.  
"Sink- cold- turn the sink off Cas!" Dean said quickly. Cas did what he said and backed up to the door. Was he mad?  
"Sorry..." Cas said quietly.  
"No... It's fine... Just try not to do that again..." Dean chuckled. After Cas sat down on the floor it became silent. He sat for a few minutes, but he didn't like the sound of the water.  
"Sing?" Cas asked.  
"S-Sing?" Dean said awkwardly.  
"Sing." Cas confirmed.  
"I-I can't sing- I've never sung a song in my life!" Dean lied.  
"Dean." Cas said simply. Dean hesitated, but finally started with the first few quiet notes.  
"Can't hear." Cas said.  
"Alright! Fine! I'm... I'm not any good ok?" Dean said nervously. Ca stayed quiet as Dean began.  
"S-Someone's always comin' around here... Trailin' some new kill..." He started. When Cas made no noise, Dean continued.  
"Says I've seen you're picture on a .. Hundred dollar bill .. What's a game of chance to you- to him it's one .. Of real skill- so glad to meet you- Angeles..." Dean sang. Cas sat quietly and listened to the tune as Dean continued to sing. His eyes shut on their own, and although he tried to stay awake, the warmth of the room and the melody made him drift off.  
"No one's gonna fool around with us .. I'm so glad to meet you- Angeles..." Dean finished.  
"How was that? Cas?" Dean asked. He opened the shower curtain to see Cas peacefully asleep against the wall.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some of the bad stuff in it. A sorta fight, douche-dean, and cas has to talk about what happened. (i.e. the rape/non-con element comes in here, but again, it's not described. It's just implied.)

"Cas? Hey... Get on up buddy, can't sleep on the floor." Dean chuckled.  
"I'm awake..." Cas said quietly, shutting his eyes again and becoming still.  
"Cas, I've been trying to wake you up for five minutes. At least come over to the bed." Dean said quietly.  
"I-" Cas stopped as a cough forced itself out and startled him awake.  
"Come on, back to bed. Your back will hurt if you sleep in here. Come lay down." Dean said, helping him stand up carefully. Cas grumbled something incoherently and fell on the bed when he got close enough to it. When his chest hit it he groaned loudly and held his side.  
"You ok?" Dean asked.  
"I'm... Hurt... But ok..." Cas mumbled against the sheets.  
"Yeah... Listen, do you need anything? Something to help your throat or side or anything?" Dean asked.  
"No." Cas said simply.  
"Ok... Hey, uh... You need a bath soon... Would you be willing to do that?" Dean asked hesitantly.  
"N-No..." Cas said, sitting up and moving back on the bed.  
"Why not?" Dean asked. Cas didn't answer.  
"Dude, I didn't want to tell you this, but you smell. Please just take a bath- or at least shower. In fact, shower would be better so you can wash your hair." Dean said. Cas shook his head.  
"Cas, come on, I won't make you do anything else, but this is necessary. You can't just not bathe. I'll... I'll help you if you want. I'll sit in the room with you." Dean offered.  
"No!" Cas said loudly, backing up further.  
"Cas-" Dean tried.  
"Don't!" Cas yelled.  
"Why not?!" Dean yelled back, his frustration taking over.  
"Hurts!" Cas yelled. All of Deans frustration boiled over, and he couldn't take anymore.  
"It's water! It can't hurt unless you're drowning! I know, they probably did use water to torture you at first, but you know I'm not gonna hurt you, so what's the problem?! What, you think just cause you turned me down I'm gonna be a perv?! Is that it?! You think I'm gonna do something to you?! Fine! I'll make Sam take care of you until you get over whatever this is! But let's get one thing straight right now! I'm would _never ___hurt you like they did!" Dean yelled. Cas became silent and his eyes filled with tears. He wouldn't cry though. Not again. Instead he stood on shaky legs and walked right past Dean, opened the bedroom door, and walked into the hall. He shut the bedroom door in Deans face. Dean opened it not a second later.  
"Did you just try to slam the door on me?!" Dean demanded.  
"I-I didn't try... I did..." Cas said shakily, which caught Dean off guard.  
"Wait- hey!" Dean yelled, trying to grab his wrist and turn him around. Cas screamed and turned to him. Then Dean remembered.  
"Shit- did I touch the bruised one?" Dean said quietly.  
"No..." Cas said quietly.  
"Why did you yell then?" Dean asked, thinking he was obviously lying.  
"Don't like touch." Cas said, clearing his throat and coughing. He tried desperately to not make any tears fall but one did anyway.. He rubbed at his eyes with his good hand and backed up.  
"Then why were you as close as possible to me last night?" Dean asked.  
"I'm going to Sam." Cas said shakily, ignoring his question. He just wanted to walk away before he broke down completely.  
"No- wait! I need to know... If I'm right..." Dean said quietly. Cas stopped and paused a minute before turned around.  
"About?" he asked.  
"Do you... Do you really think of me that way now? Do you just have no trust at all in me?" Dean asked quietly.  
"I've lost a lot of trust in a lot of people... You aren't one of them Dean... Don't assume you are..." Cas said sternly.  
"Then why are you acting so... Weird? I need to know Cas! It's only been twenty four hours and I'm already confused as fuck, so just explain it Cas! Why can't anyone touch you when there's lights on and have to when the lights are off? Why can't you take a shower? Why can't you quit looking at me when I'm not looking and then you can't look me in the eyes when I am?" Dean asked, even quieter then before.  
"In order? Bad things happen in the dark... Worse things happen in the light, when they want to see your face... The room had no windows... In the light I had to see them... And they could see me... In the dark they could see me because of angelic ability... I couldn't see them... The dark was the time for whips and bats and gags... The light was the time for things I never want to imagine again..." Cas said, almost choking on the lump in his throat.  
"W-What about the water?" Dean pressed.  
"It's not just the water... It's the clothes... I don't want to take them off... Not again..." Cas whispered the last part.  
"And... What about me? Why are you afraid of me?" Dean asked, his own eyes watering a little.  
"I'm not... That's why in the dark I hold onto you... You're an anchor to the shore in an ocean of nightmares." Cas said surely.  
"Then why can't you look at me right now?" Dean asked. Cas had to wait a minute so he wouldn't cry, to answer his question.  
"I didn't turn you down Dean... You turned me down." Cas said quietly.  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean asked.  
"You kissed me... I didn't understand at first, I was too tired and still scared and I barely knew which room I was in... But I thought about it... And now I understand... You didn't _mean ___to kiss me... You said you shouldn't have done that... It was a mistake... That's why you turned away from me in the bed... You didn't even want to see me..." Cas said quietly.  
"Cas- you pushed me away! That's why I said that! I don't regret doing that, I regret making you uncomfortable!" Dean insisted.  
"I only pushed you away because... I didn't like the touch on my face... It felt like... Like bad things that happen in the light..." Cas said quietly. Him throat burned from talking but he knew it would happen at some point, and he couldn't just not talk forever.  
"Then... You would be ok with kissing me again if I didn't put my hands on your face?" Dean asked quietly.  
"It... Would be enjoyable, yes." Cas answered. Dean smiled his first real, non-concerned, smile in two weeks.  
"You sure?" Dean asked, stepping closer to him. Cas swallowed nervously but didn't move away. Instead he nodded and shut his eyes. First he felt a touch on his hand, and then Dean was lifting his hand to his face. He could feel Deans hand on top of his, and he could feel the stubble under his fingertips. Then there was a touch on his second hand, the one with the bruises on his wrist, and it was even more delicate if that was possible. Deans hand didn't move his somewhere this time, instead it twisted their fingers together.  
"Push back if you want to stop." Dean said, before leaning forward completely. Cas swore he felt actual electricity go through his whole body. It was like he was standing in fire, and yet nothing hurt. Everything was warm and perfect and he knew where both Deans hands were, and where he was standing, and he didn't want him to pull back when he did.  
"Gotta breathe Cas..." Dean panted. Only then did he notice he was out of breath too.


	12. Chapter 12

In the following weeks Cas had panic attacks, but not nearly as often as before. Dean did the best he could to comfort him after, and Sam had helped him a few times when Dean was out. Cas was happy, but he still didn't want touch. He was learning though. He would let Dean hold his hands, and sometimes touch his arms. He was fine with snuggling up to Dean, as long as Dean didn't hod onto him. He was getting better, and that was good. The only thing wrong was that Sam still didn't know. Or, they didn't think he knew. Once when Dean was trying to show him how to bake a pie, and Sam was in the room, Cas got his face a little too close to Deans. They stared at each other in silence until Sam spoke up.  
"Would you just fucking kiss him already?" Sam said, rolling his eyes and concentrating once more on the article he was reading. They didn't hold back after that. At all. Sometimes Sam wished he hadn't said anything.


End file.
